Sunday, November 9, 2008

Pre-Birthday Meditations

Everything just happens so fast, you'd notice (or you wouldn't) there are a lot of changes, losses, impermanence and vagueness which carry a big weight in the essence of time. In the long run, you'd find yourself left behind. Thank goodness, I'm slowly catching up.

It was friday night when I felt as if it were the end of the line for me. I was weak--no, even more than that. I was close to being lifeless.

Let me talk about the nearness of death and my upcoming birthday, like nothing else matters but life and its end. Thinking that noone's indispensable, I decided that
if I were to die, god grant me a painless death. The kind that I wouldn't have to moan and scream for people to kill me instead. I just want shame to spare for myself just a few moments before I leave this place. I knew I wasn't supposed to fear dying; but at the back of my mind, while looking at everything I fought for, everything I owed my life to, I would rather refute my view on the matter: no, give me more years to live.

Hence, with my fear of death comes my passion for life. For the past 20 years I have seen myself growing, perhaps not as the kind they expected, but I am proud not to have grown like any other. I am satisfied that I err and I am happy that along the way, I learn.

People may leave, hate me and tear me apart but for 20 years,
I have lived.
I have fought so hard to be here and it's utterly pointless to regress
and ask myself again with never ending whys.
I just want to enjoy and get the most out of what I have now,
and now that I have mentioned it, I realize I have a lot.

Yes. I'm twenteen. Its invalidity speaks aloud what I would still wish to be, but I guess life really has to move on. I need to to focus on practice teaching. I need to redeem myself in terms of academic standings. I need to face greater challenges after graduation.
I want to marry. Yes, I do. *^-^*
Honestly, I'm looking forward to leaving my house
for another one. *^-^*
Most importantly, I need to win back
what's mine--all mine. *^-^*

Come to think about it, being twenty is going to be thrilling after all.

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