I Love Teaching (?)

Kanina nagtuturo ako ng bibliography sa kanila ng nakatatlong beses ako sumaway. Araw araw, paulit ulit na pananaway. Paulit ulit na pag aalala. Nagmamalasakit ka na tinuturuan mo sila na araw araw gumagawa ka ng paraan para matutuo sila at malamnan ang mga isipan nila.

Pero.

Pero.

Pero.

Ayun sila. Nag iingay, nagdadaldalan, mambabara, manggugulo. Magdadaldal ka, magdadaldal sila. Parang palengke...no. Parang kongreso. Sa sobrang ingay hindi na nagkakaintindihan.

"Hindi na ba talaga kayo marunong rumespeto? Respeto naman o. Hindi tayo naglolokohan dito."

That was the first time that I spoke in pure Filipino in front of my students in an English Class. All the ideals within me, all the expectations, the enthusiasm, the hopes and goals--all went down the drain. Everything faded because of one loss.

In a system that depreciates highly in value, in a system that needs to uplift its status, we need force to apply gradual progress. This force must be strong enough to reach, even tap the inner desire of its elements to move and change. In this system, we have elements that have been used to becoming immobile, much to the chagrin of the force.

I am a part of this force, and I have realized that I slowly lose my faith in the strength that I have. I need their part in making this work. I can't do this alone. Hindi pwedeng ako lang ng ako ang nagtratrabaho para maayos to. Mahirap.

It's easy to say you love a class, para mong sinabing nagmamahal ka ng grupo ng mga batang mga inampon mo. Pero mas mahirap panindigan. Madami kang ibibigay pero di ka siguradong may babalik sa yo. Siguro ganun nga talaga yun. Things are certainly learned the hard way.

Should I stay in this field that makes me feel angst, disappointment and dismay?

Why shouldn't I?

"May pangako ako. I try hard not to break that promise."

Why shouldn't I?

"Kasi gusto ko. I have always had this hope that I can change a life. Hanggang ngayon."

Trying hard. Amp.