Empty

I'm waiting for a miracle.

This is so hard to explain. When somebody waits for a miracle, there is a big chance of missing things that truly matter. Because of faith, he sees past through all the he thinks are unnecessary. I'm in that same spot. While everyone else is making a move, trying to prove themselves that they can do something, here I am waiting for the opportunity and the right moment to act, when I knew all along I should have acted long before. Still, I wait because I think things will be a lot better if I do.

What if I fail?

I am afraid of knowing the answer.

Slowly, I see myself regressing. This isn't what I want to put myself into but because of different consequences that I have to be responsible for, I cannot move forward. It's so frustrating.

I envy people who start doing things for themselves not because they want to but because they have to. I can't be entirely like them.

These days, I am a vacuole, or a big _________ that I need to fill up. It sucks.

Random Rant [Again]

Alvin celebrated his birthday last Wednesday. With some of our closest friends coming over after work, we dared defy the raging winds and the exaggerated flood filling the entire street right outside Alvin's house. The night started with a few songs which then led to a little kantiyawan over Alvin's preempted previous relationship with someone whose name I'd rather not mention. It was fun, as I missed being with these people who can actually talk rhetorically without even trying really hard to.

***

I fought so hard to pull back tears as I watched Cory's funeral procession dated Wednesday evening. It's been a long time since I realized how proud I am as a Filipino and now I felt it amidst the country's loss of a truly remarkable leader. She's a woman who has indeed shown the people that yes, Filipinos who are like her are worth fighting, living and dying for.

***

Inconsistencies never cease to baffle and frustrate me. In simple situations like salary computations, beliefs, opinions and emotions, love and friendship, I notice that people never become stuck to one train of thought. Everything depends upon other things and the hardest part about it is not the inconsistency per se, rather the adjustment that they have to make in order to understand it.

***

By nature, we are vain. We just don't want to confess because we perceive vanity as a negative term. Perhaps the negative part of being vain is its effects on other people who do not understand it.

Paradox

The simplest things that can make a woman truly happy are the things that a man cannot easily give. and vice versa.

Back to the Meaning of Life

Andy, Borgy and I have a midnight routine of walking from Emerald Avenue to Shaw Boulevard. On the way, we always stop at Nutrilicious to sit down and talk about issues at work and at home. Andy buys green tea, Borgy buys his mango drink, and I always go for chocolate. We smoke, laugh and sometimes sit in silence, not because we run out of words but perhaps we just want to have our share of private thoughts.

We go over frustrations at work. We think about what would happen in the next few days. Andy talks more so most of the time, Borgy just counters his claims or gives his opinions on the issues and I just listen and respond whenever I deem appropriate. At some point in our conversation last Friday, Andy initiated a topic about the path that he passionately aims to take.

Passion, as I see it, is a term so profound yet so commonly misused these days. It may refer to an intense desire to do something, or a flaming will to have somebody. Sexually, passion begets passion by an individual who expresses with no holds barred. Intellectually, it may involve religious yearning for knowledge. Professionally, it may refer to sustaining the kind of living that an individual has without losing the interest he exerts everyday.

While Andy was talking about his thoughts about his career and his short-term plans, I stared at him with my mind filled with irrelevant thoughts about what I should do once I get home, what I would do in the next couple of hours and what my breakfast would be.

Anyway, at the back of my mind, I told myself: Would I be like them? Would I be able to sustain this kind of determination to handle responsibility? Yes, I work, but will I still want to do this in the next few years?

Relatively, some filipinos have a negative trait called ningas kugon; a habit in which an individual is driven to accomplish something and in the long run loses the will to continue. Regardless of the reasons or excuses provided for the sudden loss of interest, the trait hinders a person from being spontaneous in thoughts, goals, words and actions. By failing to realize the need to finish the task, people involved in the plans are slowly affected, thus creating a bigger flaw in the movement of goals on a bigger scale.

Passion, in this regard, may seem essential, as it pushes an individual to do more. In this society where one thinks it's hopeless to make a small thing matter, passion influences people to be more intrisically motivated, thus, making them more efficient in doing the things they really want to do. Because of this, even the smallest actions become important and even the simple thoughts are given life.

To answer my question: honestly, I have no idea.

Fast forward--He asked me a question this evening while we were having our usual Nutrilicious break.

"Are you happy?"

Then I smiled.

"You mean, with everything?"

"Yup, are you generally happy?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Why are you happy?"

It depends on how you define happiness; then I stopped for a split-second to figure out if what I said was correct.

People have different definitions of happiness. If you put it that way, it's like saying that happiness is relative. Is it?

I am happy because I have money, work and food.

More significantly, I am happy because I know I am loved. I know how imperfect I am but people still decide to understand me for who who I can never be. At times I feel frustrated that I cannot make things happen as I want them but I pull strings and at the end of each string, something good still happens. I am happy because I know how to love. To express this in so blunt a statement makes it sound insincere, but yes, I know how to give love. I can look at people and tell them that I can be so emotionally attached; no more, no less. Just love. Finally, I am happy because regardless of how flawed my world could be, I can still make ends meet. At the end of the day, I can still tell myself that Hallelujah, life is good.

If there is anything more I could wish for, it is for people to realize that they are happy to have me.

Going back to the question he imposed in our conversation, I looked at him, smiled, sipped the remaining contents of my cup and finally threw my yosi.

Just like a line from a movie, I told him, "I'm happy--well, not all day everyday, but yeah, everyday."

The topic was followed by the same bastusan and green jokes that we never grew out of.

Last question, however irrelevant this may be: Can something nutricious be delicious?

Of course. Haha.

Twelve Very Random Ideas Just Popped Out of My Head

1. I need a foot spa, a hair spa, and all the other kinds of comfort I could get. My feet look horrible and my body feels internally grotesque.

2. I'm wearing a dress I swear I'm never going to wear ever again..unless I'm out to reveal deflated souls [out of humiliation] to guys.

3. I am so tired, I'm thinking of getting a powernap for 10 minutes after every hour or whenever I could get some time to close my eyes. I need time to replenish vigor.

4. I need a little brush up on my grammar, listening and speaking skills. Christ, I need a chair, a white board and an English Instructor.

5. ...and while I'm at it, I think I also need an enrichment on my vocabulary. My word bank is getting rusty.

6. Prepositions are starting to drive me mad. When I was at school I rarely [almost never] had any problem with preps. What the devil has gotten into me?

7. I love attention, a little, or even more, but I hate the idea of people looking at you and swaying eyeballs from head to foot and up again. If I ever see a pair right now, by grace of the almighty, I'll get the keys out of my bag and poke it straight into those eyes.

8. Oh, I'm starting to sound like a bitch, and starting to ACTUALLY BE like one. It's exciting.

9. Currently listening to songs you wouldn't want in your music players.

10. Currently finding ways to make new interests out of lacklusterness.

11. I can hear sarcasm in my own voice. I'm working on it on a daily basis. Hurray for efforts.

12. I love this number. :D

Plasticity and Parasitism

In science, there is a term coined to refer to the ability of matter to extend, flex and bend its form. As far as I can remember it's elasticity. It's probably in this same context that Filipinos start using an inexistent and grammatically erring term such as plasticity to refer to people who tend to fake their perceptions of other people so they can be politically pleasing.

While writing this down, I realized that this has been the longest entry I have done since March.

To conform and avoid social disputes, people either ignore or secrectly converse with other people about idiosyncrasies of everyone around them. Most of us say, we're TRUE to ourselves and HONEST to those we talk to, but up to what extent can we really attest to this self-declared truth? Naturally, we won't admit that we talk about other people because of the agreement that we have settled with those we speak with, by saying "oy, secret lang to ha.." Nonetheless, we know for a fact that in front of those we talk about, we're like innocent children pretending that we care.

How many of your friends can you truly call friends? How many of your workmates can you easily get along with? Who among your siblings come to you to ask how you've been without asking for money? Who among your friends can hug you without making stern expressions behind your back?

Some of us treat friendship as a parasitic relationship in which one benefits when the other is harmed. We think they're harmless because they initially come in beautiful packages. What we don't know is we slowly get killed in their desire and hunger to take what we own, because they hate having nothing for themselves.

Some of us treat friendshp as a social agreement in which in order to be socially considerate we take pride in dealing with people who we know we can't really like no matter what we do.

To some, this is what they call "pakikisama", a euphemism for farce rapport between and among you and your friends. To some, it's what they call being true, yet ironically being a coward for partly revealing what they call truth. To some it is plasticity, a special term used to refer to having no choice but to deal with people you don't like.

This kind of attitude is something one cannot easily remove from modern Filipino culture. No matter how you look at it, however it is accepted by people, one thing remains true--life would be a lot better if people will just be oblivious about everything.

Ignorance is bliss.

The Working Dilemma

I'm killing myself. Slowly killing myself. I work from 5 in the morning to 9, then go home and sleep and go back to Ortigas to work in another company from 6 to eleven. Now I don't know what has just gotten into me, I decided to have a full time shift for my first company. This is great.

Last night, before I went home, I went to my friend's house to give him something that he borrowed from Brix. When I got there, I realized how extraordinarily dull my life has become these days. He said he envied me because I have started working already and he's still a bum, waiting for an opportunity to come his way. The more he remarked about me being thin and sick-looking, the more I felt stupid for deciding to dig my own grave.

Because of all this stress, frustration and farce confidence, I am losing people around me. I am normally cynical and grumpy towards my mom, and now that I work, these traits have increased and sadly, they can't and don't want to tolerate it.

When I wake up in the morning, I don't talk to them anymore because I have to rush to the bathroom, take a bath, dress up and leave immediately for work. When I get home, I go up and just sleep without even looking at them. I once thought things would be way better off if I stay there without talking to them but you know, I still miss having a decent conversation with people I don't teach.

I have lost time for school. Last week I was supposed to process my clearance but because of work, I became so tired and lazy to even think of going to Intramuros for it.

I am so tired. I want to go back to being a student. If only I could.

I would have been okay, if only I could still have everything in my hands while doing these things. Pero hindi eh. Little by little, I manage to eat alone, smoke alone, do things alone. I have never felt this before.

Despite these challenges, I have things I can still be thankful for. I am confident that I still have friends who understand. I am confident that the ring I'm wearing around my finger still has a meaning. I want to keep it that way.

Today I have realized one thing: I tend to give more because I don't really need much for myself.

Thanks Nix and R. Pausch

Nix made me realize a lot of things this morning.

She sent me a text message that goes:

"When you are screwing up and nobody says anything to you anymore, it means they have given up on you."
-R. Pausch

I have screwed up, big time.

I go to school for my clearance and only a few of my friends talk to me.
I go to WELS to rant and forget things and my friends there say nothing because they've gotten used to everything I tell them.
I have been keeping this up for almost a year now and no one leaves comments anymore.
Whenever I am with my family and I brag about an achievement, their reactions are almost the same as those they give when I fail.
I'm now a one-man band, in all aspects I can possibly think of.

Everyone is giving up on me. They just don't want to say it. I'm giving up on myself as well.
They're right, the problem is on me.
It has always been my fault..and I still don't stop. :(

The Blower's Daughter

I always keep the same book in my bag. I always bring it with me wherever I go, and read it whenever I have time. The words leave traces in my head. The characters move, talk and act as if they were given life.

The book that I have with me is about two lives--one that can live with or without the other and the other one that cannot live alone. You see, everytime I flip through the pages of that book I remember all other stories of people who I have talked with and stories of those people who I have not even met. It was as if the author knew of what I have always yearned for in a story.

I remember the part where the main character decides to go against his people's norms to live with the girl he loves. I can picture it perfectly in my head. The way he whispers, "I'll take you wherever I go, and give you happiness until you choose to breathe my name and life." The girl smiles, turns and walks away from someone she never thought she would even desire.

I remember the part where she runs back right after him. She runs, and runs until she finally turns around and sees him standing behind her, smiling. Oh yes, I can see every scene. He leans and looks at her, she looks away for she knows she won't stand those eyes that seep through her. I can imagine those eyes. Copper. Fierce. Deep. I can sense the way he touches her. He lays his hands on a fancy figurine, as if it were something of excellent value. He breaks her with just a touch of his fingers. She closes her eyes and repays those ardent caresses one sultry afternoon in May. Everything seems so real.

I remember the part where he stands, yells at her and begs that she stays away, but she doesn't.

I remember the part where she storms out of a room, and he follows suit.

I remember the part where they want to buy happiness, but what they get is more pain.

I remember the part where they both wait at the opposite sides of the train station. She steps in and finds out that he stays and lets the other train go forth. She cries but decides to move along.

I remember the part where in a lane, at an intersection they see each other. She walks, closer...closer...and he walks...closer...closer...

I remember the part where they both smile and tell themselves, it's a good day.

I remember the part where he passes by her. She walks on and doesn't see anything but the street light that goes red.

Every scene seems so real, it's frightening.

As I close the book, I remember.

As I remember, I sigh.

As I sigh, I hope.

As I hope, I cry.

I Love Teaching (?)

Kanina nagtuturo ako ng bibliography sa kanila ng nakatatlong beses ako sumaway. Araw araw, paulit ulit na pananaway. Paulit ulit na pag aalala. Nagmamalasakit ka na tinuturuan mo sila na araw araw gumagawa ka ng paraan para matutuo sila at malamnan ang mga isipan nila.

Pero.

Pero.

Pero.

Ayun sila. Nag iingay, nagdadaldalan, mambabara, manggugulo. Magdadaldal ka, magdadaldal sila. Parang palengke...no. Parang kongreso. Sa sobrang ingay hindi na nagkakaintindihan.

"Hindi na ba talaga kayo marunong rumespeto? Respeto naman o. Hindi tayo naglolokohan dito."

That was the first time that I spoke in pure Filipino in front of my students in an English Class. All the ideals within me, all the expectations, the enthusiasm, the hopes and goals--all went down the drain. Everything faded because of one loss.

In a system that depreciates highly in value, in a system that needs to uplift its status, we need force to apply gradual progress. This force must be strong enough to reach, even tap the inner desire of its elements to move and change. In this system, we have elements that have been used to becoming immobile, much to the chagrin of the force.

I am a part of this force, and I have realized that I slowly lose my faith in the strength that I have. I need their part in making this work. I can't do this alone. Hindi pwedeng ako lang ng ako ang nagtratrabaho para maayos to. Mahirap.

It's easy to say you love a class, para mong sinabing nagmamahal ka ng grupo ng mga batang mga inampon mo. Pero mas mahirap panindigan. Madami kang ibibigay pero di ka siguradong may babalik sa yo. Siguro ganun nga talaga yun. Things are certainly learned the hard way.

Should I stay in this field that makes me feel angst, disappointment and dismay?

Why shouldn't I?

"May pangako ako. I try hard not to break that promise."

Why shouldn't I?

"Kasi gusto ko. I have always had this hope that I can change a life. Hanggang ngayon."

Trying hard. Amp.

Dapithapon

I hate to say this but...

I miss spending sultry afternoons with you, blog partner.

I just want an extra (or lack thereof) ordinary life spent with you.

Things I Understand

I understand honesty.

It comes in bold and brave statements to declare honesty as one of the most important things a person must be equipped with. I also understand that people become straightforward and frank when they want to stop something from happening again. There is, however, a thin line between honesty and tact. This is something that apparently, even smart people cannot distinguish.

I understand comparison.

People like it when they are considered "better" as compared to other people. Better in terms of status, abilities, potentials. What they don't like about comparison is when they go a level lower than people being compared to them.

Either way, I hate being compared to others. I HATE it. Why do I hate being compared? It's because I hate feeling so low of myself, which I can easily be provoked to feel.

I understand concern.

I am grateful that, notwithstanding people who have lost faith in me, there are still some left who stay and believe that I can get back on track even if I make irrational decisions.

I understand judgment.

I know how easy it is for people to arrive to conclusions without sufficient analysis of given situations. I understand that even people who you treasure can give false judgment and all you have to do is accept it.

I understand silence.

In silence, a lot of things can be heard. Even those we do not intend to say can be understood. Sometimes, silence gets so ironically and entertainingly loud it can make an individual lose his
will to talk just so he could hear himself. That, is silence.

It is only in understanding deep truth that everyday truth makes any sense.
-Laura Teresa Marquez
Source: Early Morning Conversation

Practice Teaching Blues

After months of waiting, my practice teaching started last Monday. I had my first time to be introduced as a student teacher at Antonio Maceda Integrated School. I used to fear the students thinking that they don't give due respect to teachers. Until now, I have the same fear.

In the morning there are 4 student teachers, namely: Mariz, Jem, Janerey and of course, me. We all have to start our duty at 7 and stay in the campus until 1 in the afternoon. Just last Tuesday, we were given the opportunity to have our own cooperating teachers. Jem was given to Mrs. Tangal, a first year English Teacher. Janerey was given to Mrs. Maranan, who teaches in the second year level. Mariz was given to Mrs. Valerio, who teaches third year. I was so happy to be supervised by Mrs. Dasco, a fourth year English Teacher. I thought everything would be alright.

I was wrong.

It was Wednesday when my cooperating teacher decided to let me take over three classes in the fourth year level. It was pretty simple, since I just had to give a spelling test and to facilitate a silent reading activity. I felt so pleased because I can feel the students' warmth and acceptance. I was looking forward to having more classes with them.

Later in the afternoon, I asked Ma'am Dasco if I needed to do something for the students, like class records and school register records whatnot.

She said, I would have to wait until December to teach.

Why on earth do I have to wait until December?

Maybe she doesn't trust me enough; or maybe she doesn't want me to ruin her lesson plans.

Whatever her personal reasons maybe, let me give you my own reasons as to why I should not let that happen.

1.) All my groupmates have already started teaching. I am not in the right position to compare my status to theirs but the point is I'm left behind. My other classmates already know how to use the class record and school register and I still don't.

2.) I envy them because they are making their stay at Maceda a worthwhile experience. If you look at my situation, you'd think my cooperating teacher (CT) is mad at me. That sucks bigtime. I try my best to be friendly but I guess it still doesn't work.

3.) I had two semesters for field observation. According to the student teacher's handbook, I can only have two weeks for orientation then I'd have 13 weeks for teaching. I just hope she'll give me that opportunity.

I just want to teach and learn. I just want to experience being loved by the students. I know that there's always a time for everything, but I won't compromise the rest of the time that I have with sleeping, staring at people and doing nothing.

If you look at the system that the school has, you'd say it's not enough. Students are dying to get out of the campus. Guards tolerate the students' bad habit of cutting classes. Teachers shout at students so they would shut up. Implementation of rules is not strict enough. Life there just gets so pretty boring sometimes.

Still, I stick to what I want. This system is just a challenge to face and a problem to solve. We keep on complaining about something we don't like, and complaining is the only thing that we like to do. What's worse is, we complain but in times of action, we hide and spare ourselves from all the trouble.

As I mentioned in a comment for a friend's blog entry, we should never let ourselves be eaten by the spoilage of the system. If ideals are the only things we can hold on to while avoiding educational prejudices, then we must protect these ideals by all means. As teachers, that's what we must do. That's what we should have been doing all this time.

Anyway.

I look at my students' faces everyday and I'm glad they're slowly taking my fears away.

Walang Pasok, No Student Discount

Oo nga sembreak na pala, bakit nga ba naman hindi ko namamalayan. Yan tuloy, on my way to the Pamantasan, nagkasagutan kami ni manong driver, who by the way, was really thoughtful to even think of talking back, when he could've just continued driving for the sake of his other passengers.

To manong driver, thank you so much; you have undeniably made my day. By the way, don't forget what I told you before I headed to PLM: "Ingat ka."

I know when to give respect. In fact, it has never been in my nature to bash older people just because of petty things that they do. Notwithstanding the fact that I bear innate kindness and courtesy, at times I know I tend to be rude; and today is a perfect day for showing everybody my cocky side. Read on.

I gave a twenty-peso bill to manong as transpo fare for me and my sister (now that I've mentioned it, she didn't even thank me).

Jing: Manong, bayad po. Round table po, dalawang studyante.
Manong: (gives the change) Walang studyante ngayon, walang pasok.
Jing: Talaga po? May ID kami, may enrolment kami, at lahat ng sinasakyan namin, may discount parin kami. (At the back of my mind I wanted to ask him: What makes you an exception?)

Manong: Nasa patakaran yan, husto mo samahan pa kita sa (mumble)...
[Note: I think he stated an office there]
[Note: I'm not sure if it is really stated in the law. Is it?]

Again, at the back of my mind I was telling him, wag na sayang pa kikitain niyo for a day. I stopped myself, because I wanted to give the remaining traces of respect that I had for him.

Jing: Bakit, tama naman sinukli niyo diba?
Manong: Oo, bakit? 6 Pisos. Di mo ba tinignan?
Jing: O yun naman pala eh, anu pang inaamok amok niyo? Di ko naman tinignan kung tama sukli niyo o hindi. Saka magmaneho na lang kayo, ang dami niyo pang sinasabi.
Manong: (Mumble mumble)
Jing: Oo, sige. Ok.

Then silence.

When my sister and I were about to go down, he bade farewell by saying things which I didn't really understand. So, I just said:

"Ingat ka!"

with the sweetest, most malambing voice I could come up with.

I don't wish people bad luck, you know.

I just didn't get it at first. He gave me 6 pesos as change for the 20-peso bill that I gave him. If he was confident that "no student discount during sembreak" is REALLY in the rules, why did he still hand me 6 pesos? I just laughed and said "oo, sige" while he talked all the way from avenida to round table. That sweetheart gave me a jumpstart, I swear.

Then I just told my sister, it's ok, he's old anyway.

I Bow Before Your Majesty (Part 1)

Lengthy posts excite me. It's not that I have all the time in the world to read. It's the idea of slipping into someone's mind and seeking what he really wants to point out in every paragraph that interests me. Today I'm going to slip into my own mind, pour my thoughts into this entry as I have never done before.

On Silence

For weeks or even months, I have been trying my best to hold back and keep most of what I feel to myself. I have learned to censor caustic thoughts, because by nature, people around me are sensitive. It's a sardonic fact however, that they tend to act insensate when they talk and act, as if my feelings were of no use. Still, I talk less. I have always believed that the greatest of problems are those fought within oneself. These battles, when prevailed, bring the most out of an individual.

There is beauty in inaudibility. In silence, an individual can deliver a sharp pang of emotion to people. It is different from conceding. It's knowing that within yourself, you're winning. Silence oftentimes bars one from hearing the other half of stories, then again, I believe it is only an imperative to give the full details to people who are duly involved. If people talk against you, if people mistrust you and condescend you, the best weapon that can shield you is silence.

Notwithstanding the fact that silence is important, it is also necessary to speak up every once in a while, particularly if certain circumstances have exhausted all patience and tolerance you have.

Today I will break my silence in the most civilized way that I know. I will speak not because I want to purgate myself of all these thoughts, but because I want to protect the remaining traces of integrity I am slowly being deprived of and reputation that now, only a few people know.

Fake Friends

Pathetic. You call yourselves friends? Mga mapagpanggap kayo. Hindi kayo tao makitungo. Yes, I'm talking about everyone here, not just "them". Yeah, some may say that you are good friends but they know nothing about you people. Mga manggagamit kayo. Remember that karma will get you. It is fast and knows it's way to find you.

The Longest Day of My Life (So Far)

What a day. I slept at one and woke up at three, same routine, to work and find consolation in other people who I do not even know. I left right after shift to cater to org work and academic tasks like class card distribution and submission of other requirements. I was scolded for not coming on time in a student council meeting. I waited for the classcards and was able to get two, one for Curriculum Development and another for Field Study. So far so good. I may not have gotten the highest grades, but I am confident that I deserve what I got. I work and study at the same time and it is a great feat for me to have such high grades despite the ups and downs--name it: familial, emotional, physical.

The climax of all these things has turned out to be unordinary. I thought I'd flunk all the way, and nobody would save me; but at the end, I did save myself (with a great deal of help from the most important people around). You see, I knew didn't have to prove myself to anyone. All I wanted was to give myself an affirmation that yes, I can and will defy all false beliefs about me.

I just have one wish though: Maybe, just maybe, my family would also be proud of me.