I'm killing myself. Slowly killing myself. I work from 5 in the morning to 9, then go home and sleep and go back to Ortigas to work in another company from 6 to eleven. Now I don't know what has just gotten into me, I decided to have a full time shift for my first company. This is great.
Last night, before I went home, I went to my friend's house to give him something that he borrowed from Brix. When I got there, I realized how extraordinarily dull my life has become these days. He said he envied me because I have started working already and he's still a bum, waiting for an opportunity to come his way. The more he remarked about me being thin and sick-looking, the more I felt stupid for deciding to dig my own grave.
Because of all this stress, frustration and farce confidence, I am losing people around me. I am normally cynical and grumpy towards my mom, and now that I work, these traits have increased and sadly, they can't and don't want to tolerate it.
When I wake up in the morning, I don't talk to them anymore because I have to rush to the bathroom, take a bath, dress up and leave immediately for work. When I get home, I go up and just sleep without even looking at them. I once thought things would be way better off if I stay there without talking to them but you know, I still miss having a decent conversation with people I don't teach.
I have lost time for school. Last week I was supposed to process my clearance but because of work, I became so tired and lazy to even think of going to Intramuros for it.
I am so tired. I want to go back to being a student. If only I could.
I would have been okay, if only I could still have everything in my hands while doing these things. Pero hindi eh. Little by little, I manage to eat alone, smoke alone, do things alone. I have never felt this before.
Despite these challenges, I have things I can still be thankful for. I am confident that I still have friends who understand. I am confident that the ring I'm wearing around my finger still has a meaning. I want to keep it that way.
Today I have realized one thing: I tend to give more because I don't really need much for myself.